It really frustrates me when people say that they feel ‘depressed’ so casually as if depression is just a feeling. I would like to remove this stereotype by stating the truth. The truth is, depression is a state of existence, its not merely about feeling ‘sad’ or ‘down’. It’s much more than that, it’s an emptiness, a hollowness of dark morbidity. Depression is a non-feeling.
Before I start – If you know of anyone who is thinking about committing suicide, has attempted it or is planning it make sure they speak to someone, it doesn’t have to be a professional therapist even if they spoke to you or a friend about it, it can help. Expressing through communication is one of the best things one can do to control a suicidal attempt and perhaps even prevent it.
When my grandad passed away for the first 3 months or so, I couldn’t see colours. This may sound strange and almost unbelievable to some, but everywhere I looked I could see and feel a certain greyness attached to everything around me, be it the roads outside, my room, my own house, everything just looked very grey. The brightest sun could be shining down and it would still make no difference to me. The vibrancy of colours started to disappear, I got no enjoyment from the simple things in life. I couldn’t concentrate on the simplest of tasks, my mind would wonder into my past or into a fantasy world. At times I would feel like my depression was a dream and that any moment now I would wake up from it and everything would be fine again. But it wasn’t a dream, the loss of my grandad was real, my pain was real, this wasn’t a dream this was my reality. My life was spinning out of control I became too attached to a fantasy and could not face my reality. I was so scared that if I did face my reality I may not be able to survive. The onset of this thought led me into a vicious circle and I become depressed.
I’m not saying I am all cheery and bubbly and happy go lucky like I used to be, not at all. I am not the same person and i firmly believe that a part of me has died along with my grandad. But there did come a turning point in my life where I had to decide between life and death. When a person is depressed death seems like the most attrative solution to all the problems in life. If you know someone at this stage, be aware because it’s a very dangerous and critical stage to be at and the chances of surviving can be very slim. I learnt a few things during these tough times which I would like to share, so lets get started, remember following this could save someones life.
Just before I get started, I would also like to raise some more awareness. Depression is not always externally detectable, a man or woman could be smiling all day and have the brightest face on from day to night – this doesn’t mean that what you see is true. Depression 84% of the time I externally undetectable. In order for it to be diagnosed layers and layers of surface reality need to be peeled back to even start lightly probing the deeper issues.
So as I was saying: Inherent in every human being is the will to survive-some call it a survival instinct. However there are times or episodes when that ‘light’ of self preservation can become dim and often burn out. For instance, one may no longer care for themselves. They may no longer care what they eat, how much weight they put on, their appearance, they do not care for or ackowledge rewards / punishment and are basically stagnant and find their comfort in a motionless existence. I hope this makes sense! Basically I’m just saying they stop caring for themselves in order to speed up their ultimate wish of death.
Having said this, there are moments when moments of clarity can occur. The ‘’hang on a minute, what happening to me??’’ type of thoughts. If these th
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